Someone I'm Not

This is an excerpt of a chapter in book 5, in the POV of Alyson. She is mildly insane after Jake dies and keeps seeing him. I just felt like sharing what I just wrote~ It still needs to be edited and stuff, but here it is!
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I don’t know why this is happening.

Every moment, it just gets worse.

Every second, I feel like it’s happening.

Over and over again.

It’s like that day is on replay.

It won’t stop playing.

Sometimes I find that I can no longer feel.

Other times, I feel everything.

When I feel, it is almost comforting. I think it’s almost like how it feels being on a drug. It isn’t good for me, but it helps distract me. All the pain from feeling lets me know I’m still breathing, still alive. It’s the one thing I like about my powers. I can focus on how someone else feels instead of how I feel. But it’s the times I get too much of it that hurts. It’s like everything being piled on me.

That woman who just lost her husband, that little boy who is abused by his parents, that girl across the street that no one likes, the suicidal teenage boy that can’t handle it anymore… I feel all of it. I take their pain, and make myself feel it to offer them relief. But I’ve done it too many times before.

Sometimes it breaks.

I break.

And my only help was him.

But now he’s gone. Every inch of him is missing. The only pure thing I had left has disappeared.

My fault.

All of it. My fault.

When I don’t feel, it’s because he’s there. I can’t sense anyone’s emotions…even my own. It makes it a million times worse than feeling. He makes me want to die. He makes me guilt. He makes me wish he was gone.

I never used to feel that way….

He’s here with me now. It’s hard to determine how sane I am. It’s hard to not lose myself when he’s looking at me, and I know he isn’t real.

His eyes are broken…so broken…. I can tell with the look on his face that he’s hurting.

I am the only one that sees that look.

He just stands there and stares at me, like he’s trying to tell me something, but I am too distracted to understand. I want him to go away… He only makes it harder.

He’s crouching down in front of me, reaching out with his right hand, trying to touch me. I see him and a tear rolls down my cheek. I sit there silently watching him, knowing that soon he will be gone again. Soon, the living nightmare will go away. Soon, it will all be over.

His hand is so close. He’s afraid to touch me. I reach out, wanting so desperately for him to be real. I get closer to his cheek until I am only an inch away. But, as I touch his skin, it disappears. I see his face before he leaves. It is hurt, and he is close to tears. His skin turns to dust and the wind blows him away.

I stare at the empty spot in front of me, look at my hand reaching out for nothing. I can feel again. I can feel sadness. In the midst of this sadness, I also feel anger. Anger that he is here, that he keeps tricking me into thinking he is alive.

I’ve been asked if I am afraid when he comes.

I am not.

But….

Sometimes….

Sometimes, when I look into his eyes…I just want to kill him again.

It’s these thoughts that tell me I’m insane.

I think the same things as her. She killed Caden…now I know what it feels like to be her. So lost and confused that you can’t see anything, that you are blinded. I know how she feels to want to kill the one person that you love out of madness.

I don’t want to be her.

I’m turning into my enemy.

That is what scares me.