The Disability Chat

T.Mor:

It would be alright...? ... ...Would it? ...I mean... uhm. ...I really wish my brain was like... ...there... all the way. I was just kinda... I didn't understand why there was beeping... ...and... and sleep... and... like... I didn't even. It... It was kind of the scary kind of not evening... ...where... I didn't... and there wasn't... and...

Suddenly my face was all wet. That was...really sudden and really scary...and... like... "... ...Cricket... ...if... they... it... if I go back to sleep... ...my eyes will stop... uhm... falling out... ...right...?" I asked... but again... it didn't sound right at all. Like...Like I was hearing through a tunnel. ...My voice was all weird... and I couldn't get the fabric off my hands... and... and my head was heavy and nothing made sense... and... I didn't. Even.

Cricket

...His eyes will stop falling out... I think that might have possibly meant his eyes were heavy, possibly. And he looked it, the way he was trying to keep them open. "...Aye...I'd say so..." Was he actually thinking of going back to sleep, for once?

T.Mor:

...I was afraid of that. ...Sleeping. ...Sleeping so my eyes would stop falling out. ...Aghhh. I didn't want to. ...I... sleeping... it was lying to me. ...It would take my eyes... ...and... and eat them too. ...Yeah. And... and... there would be demons... and...and... like... I don't even... "... ...But... ...like... I don't wanna..." I muttered. But my eyes wanted to fall out and there was this... wetness...and my face and...I just... My face hated me. ...My face wanted me to sleep... because... it hated me. "... ...I'm sorry eyes..." I mumbled. ...But I think I was kind of going to be forced to sleep... because like... it had a grip on my skull and would rip my eyes out and... and take them... and but like... they didn't have enough... ...nerves... to... to resist.. and like... ...I didn't want to.

Cricket

Do I try to help him keep awake somehow . . . or tell him to give in?

Let's see. Which is better for his health?

. . . That question didn't help at all.

But perhaps he would be so tired he wouldn't even dream all that much. ". . . Ah . . . if you sleep . . . per'aps you'll feel better . . ."

T.Mor:

... ...And then I could keep my eyes... I guess.

...This seemed more complicated than it looked. ...Only I couldn't see it because my eyes were falling out. ...Uhm.

I tried to look at Cricket really really hard... like... with my whole face...to see.. and like... make sure...that the sleeping hadn't stolen his eyes too... but then I remembered that most days Cricket didn't have eyes...so... like... but I found them anyway... and yeah.

Finally... I asked him. "... ...Guard my eyes for me...?" ...I felt horrible leaving him around to do that alone... ...but like... my face... didn't want me to be awake... and like... I was scared... and so.. it...

I felt like I was going to have some kind of meltdown or... I don't know... I was sad.

Cricket

. . . Aye. Sleep would do him good. He was acting so sadly ridiculous that I wasn't sure whether to frown or laugh. " . . . Aye . . . I'll guard your eyes . . ."

T.Mor:

"... ...Thank you... ...You're... my uhm... ...favourite... eye guardian..." I muttered and then allowed them to pull me down into the bad scary place where I would have to I don't know... defend the... spirit of... ...whatever. It was going to be big and scary and bad and... like... Sleep was... there... and I didn't even...like... I mean, it was going to...

...

...I forgot.

Cricket

He was out like a light.

There wasn't too much to do after that. I sat around, paced around, thought aroung . . . looked around the room, looked out the window, looked out the door, thought of walking out the door, but never did. It was nighttime after an eternity.

T.Mor:

...The next thing I remembered was being awake and kind of in hysterical tears. ...Like... I... I don't even remember what happened while I was sleeping... I was just...suddenly not sleeping... and sobbing. I didn't understand why....or how.. or... or...what or anything...

I felt a mess. Nothing made sense...and it was so... bad... and...and I was just useless and... this was all... happening and ...and like... I didn't want to upset anyone... and I didn't want to be inconvenient... but I felt like everything I did was inconvenient... everything... was a mess... and... I was just some kind of helpless... thing... and... Gah.

I brought up a hand to rub at my eyes and vaguely registered that there were a bunch of tubes in my arm... I didn't even know if I wanted to know what that was about.

Cricket

By this point I was probably having some odd dream which I wouldn't remember in the morning. But I could hear in it. And that was nice.

T.Mor:

... As much as I hated to admit it I kind of would have liked someone... ..uhm... up...with me... ...for...uhm...at least a little bit... Because like... ...the rest of the night wasn't... ...wasn't... nice. I guess.

After I finally calmed myself down a bit...I kinda remembered that Cricket shared a room with me. ...Cricket was there... and...

Part of me was kinda glad he'd managed to sleep through that... because...I didn't want to inconvenience him with my... ...whatever that was... or make him wanna move out and live in some other part of this place or something... ...but also...like... I kinda felt... I don't know. ...Maybe I'm really really horribly selfish for thinking that...You know... he could have just... Like... ...I kinda wish he'd been there... just... because... because... ...I... I felt like I needed someone... and... I mean... We were friends... and...

No. ...No. Forget it. ...I was being stupid and selfish and... and... thinking about inconveniencing people...friends... ..in the middle of the night... just...just to make myself feel better.

I tried to find a more comfortable way to lay until morning or whatever... but...I seemed to have something really tight around my middle keeping me from moving all that much... So I ended up stuck face down.

Cricket

Eventually, I faded awake. Or . . . half awake. That time in which you're then aware you're lying down somewhere but don't quite remember why or where or when. I kept my eyes closed and listened. It was oddly quiet.

. . . Ah. Aye. That. I would have to get used to that eventually. This meant I'd have to open my eyes.

But I didn't want to. . . . Just a few moments before I'd been hearing and walking around in a place without neverending halls.

Igh. Oh bother.

I may as well sit up, at least, before someone tried to shake me awake again. I slowly pushed myself up to sitting and rubbed my closed eyes. I had no idea what time it was. Oi my my . . . waking up was such a bother. Eventually I peeked around to see if there was light coming through the window. There was, but there was something blocking a spot on the light, and -- wait a moment. That odd new bed.

T.Mor:

...It occurred to me that no one had come in this morning to get me out of bed or anything yet... and normally... that wouldn't have like... ...bothered me...because it was freaky and scary and... and... awkward... and I didn't like it at all... but... Cricket was waking up. ...On his own. ...Before any of my morning stuff had been taken care of.

...I... ...I shouldn't be upset. ...There... there is no reason for me to be upset. ...None. None at all. ...Because... you know, that would be horrible and selfish and... and... I didn't want to be that.

Meanwhile my mind was still a bit of a mess... and I just... I don't know... I... I didn't feel right... Sitting up for hours alone at night...like...like... that... wasn't anything new. ...I shouldn't be upset... but... ...I mean... he was right there... But... at least he didn't notice... but on the other hand I kinda wished he had noticed... and... I don't even know.

I kind of just... slightly waved, once he rolled over to look in my direction. Like... one of those ones where you just kinda wriggle your fingers and move your hand...instead of going at it with your whole arm... Erm. Yeah.

Cricket

My eyes slid closed again. Igh . . . waking up. But honestly. I should truly go and see how mister fancy mechanical hospital bed was doing. So I pushed away from my own bed and walked with my eyes closed and my hair down straight into the mattress that used to be T.Mor's, fell face-first into it, and muttered something about hello and how are you this fine morning or whatever it is.

T.Mor:

Cricket faceplanted into my other bed. ...Waitaminute. ...My other bed. ...I now had more beds than myselves. ... ...Stupid moment to feel rich, but uhm. Anyway. Yeah.

He was still really half asleep... and like... you could tell... He didn't even peel his face off my bed when he talked.

...And for that matter... ...How was I. ...How. ...I didn't want this to be a loaded question. ...I... I didn't know what to say. ...I... I felt like I was blowing this... all... out of porportion. ...Really. ...I should have been able to handle it, I normally handled it... but like... I dunno... this... I almost felt kinda hurt. ...Somehow.

It took me a minute to actually answer, and I ended up looking more at the pillow I was lying on out of the corner of my vision than I did looking at him. " ...I'm... alright. ... ...now..."

It was one of those things that I felt awful about saying the moment after it happened. ...It... I just... agh.

Cricket

I waited in silence for a moment. Then I remembered once again that even if he didn answer, I wouldn't . . . aye. Alright. So I honestly would have to open my eyes. Where was that paper . . . I fumbled around for it as I pushed myself up again and tried to keep my eyes open despite the light.

T.Mor:

... ...And... nothing. ...There was... nothing. He didn't...say... anything. I continued watching him, just kind of... confused. Completely confused. Why...?

...I didn't accidentally like... offend him or something did I? I kept watching him for a minute.. and he eventually got up to go...looking for someth--

...OH.

...Expletives. ...I... was a horrible person. ...Absolutely... gah. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I should have remembered... I mean... yes, Cricket is here. ...He's here because he's deaf. I was an idiot.

...And I'd just been being all... how I was... about all of that --Oh Internet, I screwed this up. ...Gah.

I waited til he found the paper to start apologising. "... ..I'm... Oh Internet... I'm so sorry... I... I completely forgot... I... sorry... uhm... that... Expletives..."

Cricket

The page was instantly filled with T.Mor apologising. I wasn't at all surprised, actually, but perhaps a small bit confused. "A-apolog . . . pardon? Why?"

T.Mor:

... ...I'd... I'd totally just made this situation worse for myself somehow hadn't I. Crap. ...I mean, before I wouldn't have had to like... explain... and... and... I could have just... kept to myself... how... how... selfish I'd been being... But now, now... I'd have to explain. ...Though... it was probably good I'd apologised.

"... ...I... before you found your... uhm... ...paper...I'd... I kinda forgot... you were... uhm... and... and I was... kind of... irritated... at you... because... because.... uhm. ... ...No, forget it. It's stupid." I explained, looking at my hand and the tube that was taped into it, instead of at him. ...It was really unsettling being in short sleeves at the moment... And...and with all these... tubes and stuff...

Cricket

. . . Well, bother. I'd said something about . . . what, 'guarding his eyes' or something of the like? If he could remember that, perhaps I wasn't supposed to have fallen asleep. Because of the . . . well, the nightmares . . . gah. Oi my my. I should have stayed awake, I should've . . . oi my my. I rubbed my face like that would take the sleep away. " . . . Ah T.Mor . . . pardon . . . I should've stayed-- ah . . ."

T.Mor:

... ...He was apologising... to me...? ...What...? Why? ...It... it wasn't his fault he couldn't hear at night... Well, I mean, he couldn't really hear at any time of the day... but ...Uhm. You know what I mean. "... ...No, no... It's... it's not your fault... ...I mean... I just... last night kinda... ..."

That awkward moment when you don't really want to discuss what happened last night because he wasn't there... and even if he had been, it would have been one of those things where the problem is dealt with and then you never mention it again. "... ...happened... and... and I... I wondered... why... why you weren't.. uhm... why you just... and... but like... I kinda... forgot about... your... uhm... problems... ...and... and... I was... I was being all... ...selfish... and... and...I'm sorry..." I ranted to my hand.

Cricket

Ah. So it had been nightmares.

" . . . Nah . . . nah, I should've stayed awake . . . don't apologise . . ."

Everything was still a slight fog.

T.Mor:

...Don't apologise? ...Don't apologise for forgetting that he was having problems? ...I mean... the nightmares or... well, I had to assume it was nightmares... given that I don't actually...remember... they... I'd handled them before. All the time. At home. Alone. There was no excuse for... for.. expecting him to... to do anything like that.

"...No... No. ...It's... it's... I shouldn't have even...said... anything. ...It's... stupid. ...I shouldn't have... I mean, I've managed alone...for... years... I shouldn't... have... needed... anything." I answered, continuing to talk mostly at my hand.

Cricket

I opened my mouth to say something about how I honestly should have simply stayed awake. Or at least tried to wake up every now and again, rather than get a few solid hours. I was used to that. I could have done that, aye? I woke up quite a few times during the night anyhow. I could have actually looked around to check, see if anything was going on. But then I realised that this probably wasn't going anywhere. " . . . Well . . . it's in th' past now, aye? I suppose it's no use, ah . . . apologising for th' past. Either of us."

T.Mor:

...He was kinda right. ...It would be silly just... going over this... again and again about... what... should have or shouldn't have happened. I nodded. ...I then caught myself before I apologised a few more times. ...Not apologising for things was really hard...

...I almost just wanted a hug or something... or... or I don't know. I didn't like how I'd come out of whatever they did to me yesterday with such...problems... with feelings being all... feely.

I almost started to say something else, but then a couple...like... people came into the room. ...I kinda wished we could control when that happened... I didn't want people here right now... ...I didn't want to have all of my...morning... maintenance stuff... dealt with with Cricket all.. awake. ...It was... unpleasant enough that I had to be awake for it. "Good morning, you two!" It was a lady and a guy today. "We're just here to change some of your fluid bags, and of course your bandages, T.Mor... and... Cricket has an appointment with the otolaryntologist, so... one of us will escort you to that." She told us both.

...Wait...she was just here to change the bags...? ...That... that was... ok... I guess... because... I think there were lots of weird bags of things that were currently attached to me somehow... so... it wouldn't be... maybe... as weird... Though I don't know why she needed to change bandages but... whatever.