The Soldier and The Dreamtalker

Jake 


Slowly, my worry dissipated as I listened to what Kinley said. Taking its place, a strong rush of affection — just affection, nothing else; I could control my emotions — curled up in my stomach. My lips parted slightly, preparing to say something, but nothing came out. 

I trailed my hand down Kinley's face, her neck, her arm, till I could slip my arm round her. I wrapped her in a hug, eyes squeezed shut. After a few moments, I pulled back just far enough to crouch down so I was below her. I took both her hands between mine and kissed her fingertips, then looked back up at her face. 

"Kin," I said softly, "we can be gentle till you're sick and tired of it. Or we can be rough, or we can be right in the middle of the two, or, or, or. Whatever you want, we can do it." 

I straightened up again and took Kinley's face in my hands, gently tilting it up to press light kisses all over it — her cheeks, her temples, her forehead, her eyelids, her nose. I tipped my forehead against hers, stroking her hair back. "You're wonderful, Kinley. And you're still my best friend, if we never sleep together again or if that's all we ever do till we both snuff it. You feeling good and happy and enjoying yourself is top of the list, and I'm gonna make sure I do everything I can to make those things happen. I promise."

Kinley

Slowly, I exhaled, the air rattling through my lungs and coming out in a shaky wave. I allowed my eyes to shut as he slid his hand down from my cheek, all the way to my arm, and I let the tingling sensation his touch left behind wash over me. I hugged him back, burying my face in his shirt and breathing him in, not letting go until he did.

As he spoke to me, I moved my hands from his and rested them on the sides of his face, brushing my thumbs over his cheekbones. Being this close to someone — both emotionally and intimately — made my mind stop racing and heart do flips and cheeks flush. His skin felt warm and soft underneath my fingers, and I could see the movements he made as he breathed, and I could see him blink, and I could see his lips move... I could see Jake, and he was real and he was here and nothing else mattered except for Jake.

I closed my eyes again as he brushed light kisses all over my face, and even cracked a bit of a smile as he did. I lightly nudged his nose with mine, lips parted slightly as I did so. "Jake..." I inhaled deeply and placed a hand on the side of his face once more, brushing my fingertips over his jaw, his cheekbone, the area just below his eye, his temple, and all the way back down to his jaw again.

"You're wonderful, and I can't understand why I mean anything to you," I eventually managed to get out. My heart raced and I smiled, for once not being scared of what could happen between us next — all that mattered was how much he wanted to make sure I was happy and how much I wanted to reciprocate that feeling.

"Kiss me."

Jake 

My eyes shut as Kinley traced my features, a shivery sensation going through my body; I could feel goosebumps covering my skin, Kinley's fingertips leaving behind a trail of heat. 

Eyes opening again, I looked at Kinley for a couple moments as I tried to figure out how to phrase what I wanted to say. It felt like I'd need a hundred years to explain why Kinley mattered to me — why tough, smart, quietly-caring Kinley was one of the most important people in the world. 

Finally, I just said, "I don't understand how you could ever not mean everything," and did as instructed. I kissed her. 

This time, it wasn't the deep, lightheaded kiss of before, or the hesitant, unsure brush of lips. This kiss was slow and soft, and I memorised everything about it. Everything about Kinley.

Kinley

This kiss was not like any of the others; this kiss was slow and soft and it somehow managed to calm me down and set me alight simultaneously.  I sighed softly, allowing my hand to brush back and my fingers to twine in with his hair as I tried to pull him closer to me.  I could feel his warm breath on my face as our lips moved — clumsily, at first, as I was still getting used to being kissed this way, but we eventually fell into sync.

I had never been kissed like that before.  I guess there was a first for everything, and I didn't want this first to end.  

After a few moments, I carefully pulled away and pressed my forehead against his.  "Jake, I need to work," I said, barely able to raise my voice over more than a whisper for fear that I would fumble around with my vowels and consonants.  Tentatively — that was a first — I kissed his nose, and then his lips, and then I trailed slow kisses up his jaw.  "You're distracting me," I whispered, laughter spilling out of me.

I had a feeling that Jake would be a lot of firsts for me.

Jake 


I smiled to myself at Kinley's initial clumsiness. There was something uncharacteristically innocent about it; my heart swelled to press up against my lungs with fondness and I rested my hands on the sides of her neck as I coaxed her into the rhythm. 

"Whoops," I said, breathing out a shaky laugh when at the feeling of Kinley's lips on my jaw. My cheeks were undoubtedly burning by now; it was seeming steadily more and more impossible that I'd be able to hold my flustered stammer back any further. "Didn't... didn't mean to break that rule..." 

Like the protagonist of any cliché teen movie ever, my legs felt shaky and far too weak to hold the rest of me up. I knew if this went on any longer, I'd lose the ability to be a functioning member of society for the rest of the day — perhaps year — and accidentally cut off my own finger or something. I pulled back. 

"You better get to work, Kin," I told her, kissing between her eyes. "We can make out during your breaks, yeah?"

Kinley

"Yeah," I gave a small nod, and then pressed another soft kiss to his lips. "You can train here — I'm sure somebody'd spar with you, or you could do it by yourself — or y'can find a gun from that tent over there and then locate Nolan. He'd prob'ly have something for you to do, just so you're not bored without me around." I offered up a small smile, nudging his nose with my own.

My hypersexual instinct told me to leave Jake wanting more, but I was unsure if I would be able to resist pulling him into an abandoned building afterwards. I ended up giving in to my instincts and kissing along his jaw, and then down his neck, gently biting and sucking on the skin not too far below his ear with the purpose of leaving behind a small mark. When I pulled away, a purplish-red hickey had already begun to form, and I gave a small and accomplished grin.

"I gotta go find my brother. I'll see you later, Jake," I said, brushing past him and darting off into the centre of the town. I was definitely glad he couldn't see my cheeks flush.

Jake 

I let out a reluctant sound at the prospect of not being around Kinley, but nodded anyway at her suggestions. "I can do that. What time d'you—" 

My question was cut off abruptly by the feeling of Kinley's lips on my jaw, then my neck, and then— Holy shit, I thought for the dozenth time that day. I attempted to resist the urge to go after Kinley and drag her back, but soon after my resolve crumbled I realised that I'd already lost sight of her and didn't know where she'd be by now. That was probably a good thing. 

I leaned back against the tree, lifting my hand to touch the spot where I was sure a mark would have formed by now, and a small rush went through me. I wasn't used to people willingly letting others know they were associated with me; usually, I was some sort of secret, sometimes mentioned but hardly ever by name. This hickey — and the others I hadn't been aware of — probably meant my introductions here would include an unsaid Property of Kinley; it was a small, funny thing I thought I should be embarrassed about, but all that happened was a small smile. 

She liked me. 

Unwilling to be alone, I straightened up and headed off to the tent Kinley had pointed out earlier to look for Nolan.

(( I'll give you Nolan and Stephen's description for a refresher, lmao

Nolan Bell is 24, 6'4", Welsh, and has a pretty nice build going on. He's black, and has black hair (he tries to keep it short, but not buzzed; it's very curly), brown eyes, and a scar starting at the centre of his right cheek which ends just below his jaw.
Usually, Nolan's wearing dull green cargoes, a black or grey t-shirt (often with a couple small tears or oil stains from working on cars in various places), worn-out hiking boots, black goggles usually hanging from around his neck or pushed up on his head (even though he doesn't have a use for them. He just likes them). He also carries a combat knife and an assault rifle.

Stephen Jones is in his early forties, 5'10", has a decent build, and he's Welsh. He has somewhat fair skin and many freckles (not as many any Kinley, but still many), brown hair, and blue eyes. Very obviously related to Kinley and Luka.
Normally, he wears denim jeans and a navy blue or white t-shirt, worn-out hiking boots, and he also carries a handgun. ))

Nolan

"'Been tryna teach 'im how to change a tire and he seems to be getting a hang of it, so I guess it ain't that bad. He sure does like cars, Stephen," I said, absentmindedly crackling my knuckles. "I really do think that should be one of his jobs when he turns sixteen — even now, I think he can start learnin' how to drive. It ain't like anybody follows the laws here anyway." I chuckled.

Stephen Jones and I were standing around in a decentl sized tent-building. There were a few wooden tables, worn out and scratched up from years of weather and use, which had an abundance of different items laid out across them — guns, knives, small First Aid kits, ammunition, and so on and so forth.

We'd been talking about Luka's interest in helping me out with the mechanic issues in our vehicles when a pretty tall kid walked in. I was a tall dude, and this kid was even taller than me; I knew he wasn't one of us from the minute I laid eyes on him — though, from the bits and pieces of conversations I'd heard early this morning and from the very... eye-catching hickeys on his neck, I knew exactly who he belonged to.

"Hey there!" I gave the new arrival a lopsided grin and glanced over at Stephen. He was eyeing the hickeys on the boy's neck before he, too, said a hey. I had a feeling that this was going to be an interesting interaction.

Jake 

I ducked into the tent, my gaze immediately settling on a man that bore a striking resemblance to Kinley. I quickly tugged my hoodie's zipper shut up to my neck to try conceal the hickeys. 

"Um, hi," I said, my voice sounding a little unsure now that I was in the presence of Kinley's father while still sex-mussed and covered in marks. Giving a little wave, I added, "I'm Jake. I'm a friend of Kinley's." 

I instantly and very strongly regretted saying that second part and shot her father a quick smile that I hope conveyed Please don't kill me well enough, then turned my attention back to the taller one. "Are you Nolan? She, uh, said I should come find you."

Nolan

Maturely, I snorted when Jake introduced himself as 'a friend of Kinley's', grinning and mumbling, "Hah, yeah, friend." I shook my head and held out a hand to him, "Yeah, Nolan. Nice t'meetcha, Jake — what're you lookin' for?"

I watched silently as Stephen eyed the kid up and down, sizing him up. Then, he nodded, also holding his hand out. "Stephen Jones, Kinley and Luka's dad. Good t'meet you, Jake." He cleared his throat and nodded once more, turning around to pick up a clipboard and pen as he scanned over the tables.

Looking back over at Jake, I chuckled, "'Least you ain't as bad as the other Jake. Meet him yet? Hah, be careful when you do — he'll suggest some nasty stuff." I adjusted the goggles on the top of my head; they were unnecessary, but I liked them. They made me feel like I was some sort of fighter pilot.

Jake

I felt a blush stain my cheeks at Nolan's comment but resisted the urge to duck my head sheepishly. "Good to meetcha too, Nolan," I said, shaking his hand. "She said you'd have somethin' for me to do? Dunno exactly what she was referring to, but I wouldn't mind helpin' 'round out here." 

Relief flooded through me when Kinley's dad didn't immediately throw me out on my ass. I shook his hand as well, standing up straight. "Pleasure's all mine, Mr Jones, sir." 

I grinned at Nolan; I was already taking a liking to his personality, and he wore these goggles that looked pretty damn cool. "Other Jake?" I asked him, tilting my head. "There's another here? What's he like?"

Nolan

"Well, I dunno how much formal trainin' you have, so there isn't much you can do. Though, y'could go over to the clinic on the other side of town. They've got some new kits for us that you could fetch," I shrugged, swiping a set of keys off of the table and handing them to him. "The one painted with a 'C-L-I' on it's the one that opens the back door. Thanks, kid."

I released a laugh when this Jake asked about the other Jake. "Ain't a good kid like you. Sometimes he has his moments, but he'll try to talk you into shagging 'im," I leaned over, whispering to him so Stephen wouldn't hear, "'specially if you're with a girl like Kin."

After I was done telling Jake the faster route to take to the clinic, Stephen turned around and spoke up. "You're gonna need a gun, just in case, Jake," he tossed over a .40 caliber police handgun, scribbling down something on the clipboard afterwards. "Use it only if you gotta, alright? And do me a favour and tell Kinley Marie she can't kick her brother outta their room two nights in a row."

With a large, amused grin on my face, I patted Jake's shoulder. "Looks like you're in, bro. Now go on. Seeya, kid," I laughed, walking out of the tent.

Jake 


"Uhh, depends how you classify formal training. I either had a lot, or none at all. But, yeah, I can do that." I took the keys, glancing up at Nolan curiously. "It's a truck?"

Stuffing down the temptation to enquire further what Nolan meant by 'Specially if you're with a girl like Kin, I caught the gun from Stephen, giving a quick nod. I felt my cheeks warm for maybe the fiftieth time that day and gave another, smaller, nod. "Will do, sir," I said and, after giving Nolan a sheepish grin, I ducked out the tent.

(( Jane is 17, 5'6", Welsh, pretty athletic build. Blonde hair pulled back in a short ponytail, hazel eyes, somewhat tan skin.
Usually, she wears a pair of black or grey athletic shorts or pants, a blue t-shirt, worn-out sneakers, and tensor bandages wrapped around both of her forearms. She also carries a couple of knives and a handgun or assault rifle.

Melissa is 18, 5'5", Welsh, and has a little bit of chub. She's Asian, with tan skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair cut short.
Usually, she wears black gym shorts and a white tank top, along with worn-out sneakers and a bright green wristband. Carries two machetes. ))

Kinley

A group of us — maybe about five of us, including myself — we walking up to the tent and joking around when Jake exited. I cast my eyes towards the ground as a hush fell over the group and everybody stopped to study Jake intently. I felt somebody nudge me in the ribs, and was greeted by Jane leaning over and whispering something along the lines of "If he was a chick, I'd hop right on." I gave something like an amused grin and fidgeted with my gun.

"So, American Boy," Melissa began, stepping closer to Jake. "Enjoyin' your time here?" She cocked her head to the side, grinning. Mel was usually one to make a point of being an antagonist—

"I hope y'know what you're getting into, American Boy, 'cause Kinley may be a good fuck but she's definitely a slut."

There it was. Everybody else in the group went 'ooo' and watched me, interested in the reaction that they knew would come.

Stepping forward, I pressed the barrel of my gun into the small of her back, tilting my head arrogantly. "Big words, ain't it, Melissa? You know, I find it totally hilarious that you get a kick outta callin' other girls sluts and whores, really — but how 'bout you take a seat and think about what you're perpetuating here, yeah? 'Cause I know you don't react well to being called a slut."

All she did was slowly break into a grin, turning around to face me and running a hand through her hair. "I'm just amazed you could bring home such an exotic creature, Kinley Marie. He's fit."

"Yeah, yeah, I know and I don't really care about him at the moment — I just want this to serve as a warning that if you keep calling people that, people are gonna return the fuckin' favour." I tossed my ponytail over my shoulder and walked up to Jake, tugging on his shirt to pull him down to my level. Slipping a piece of paper that had simple directions to a certain abandoned building scrawled on it into his hand, I whispered in his ear: "Meet me in ten."

Pulling back, and nodding for the rest of the group to follow, I smirked and walked into the tent.

(( Slight suicide tw in this? )) 


Jake 

As I slouched out of the tent, I caught sight of a group heading toward me; my gaze found Kinley among them and I slowed to a stop, my stomach doing a ridiculous little flip that I opted to ignore because I could control my emotions. I lifted my hand to give her a small wave, but my smile stopped halfway when a short-haired girl stepped up to speak to me. 

I cocked my head to the side. I had only been in Kinley's world one night; I wasn't expecting anyone to even notice my presence, much less take enough note to know I was American. I wasn't worth more than the occasional raised eyebrow. I was tall, sure, but there were lots of tall people in the world. 

"Uh, yeah, I guess it's—" I broke off to stare at the girl, my hackles rising immediately. Kinley was my best friend, before anything else; no one was allowed to speak about her to me like that, especially some random who hadn't even introduced herself. 

Before I could retort, however, Kinley took the reins. I grinned. Who was I kidding, thinking I needed to protect her? 

I shut my eyes briefly when Kinley spoke in my ear, a small shiver going down my spine at the feeling of her breath on my skin. I swung around, walking backwards, to call after them as they headed off. "Y'know, Melissa, maybe you should give being a slut a try sometimes yourself. Could do your mood some good, and god knows, I for one'd sure be happy to see you with an attitude adjustment." 

Facing forward again, I unfolded the paper Kinley had pressed into my hand from its crumple. A lurch of anxiety yanked on my stomach when I saw the writing on it. It looked like gibberish; the messy clumps of letters hung off the page, laughing and mocking and telling me, You're fucking stupid, Jake. 

I inhaled shakily and smoothed the paper out, hoping it'd be easier to read if there were no creases. 

Stupid. Moron. Idiot. Why the hell do you think you deserve anything good like this? 

I couldn't read Kinley's handwriting. It was just scratches on a page, lines and circles that meant nothing to me. 

You can't even read. You can't do anything.

I was trying to find meaning in the destroyed lines of a crushed anthill. 

What the fuck is wrong with you?  You're useless. Worthless. Fucking worthless, Jake. Why are you even still alive? Piece of shit. 

I rubbed a hand over my mouth and looked away from the note for a moment, taking a steadying breath. I turned my attention back to it. My hands were shaking slightly as more bad thoughts raced around my head, listing off all the reasons I didn't deserve to live, why I should get myself killed or just do the job myself, but I tried to shove them aside. 

I placed my thumbs on either side of the first word and, after a minute, managed to puzzle it out. A puzzle, that's what it was. Just a puzzle, like any other. I moved onto the next word, and then the next, and then the next. Slowly, I managed to piece the letters into words and the words into sentences and the sentences into — directions. 

Lightheaded with relief — I had done it, I had done it, I wasn't going to disappoint Kinley — I headed to the building she had specified, although what the words had been whispering to me still hung heavily in the back of my mind. Fucking worthless. 

(( MY SON ;U; ))

Kinley

Laughter bubbled up out of the group as Jake retorted — I even snickered — and Melissa didn't even bother to turn around to flip him off. She grumbled something about religion, and Jane did the only thing she could think of... she began to hit on Mel. Man, I was gonna enjoy having Jake around here.

Quickly doing a recount of the group jobs and switching up my weapon, I wondered if Jake had gotten to the building all right — I mean, you couldn't miss it. It was this large, grey block-like building with the words 'Rec Centre' spray painted on one side of it. It didn't quite match up with the houses surrounding it, and I hoped Jake would notice that. There was the only red-painted house in town neighbouring it.

Darting off when everybody else was distracted, I jogged up to the rec centre, smirking a little bit. When I spotted Jake outside, I crept up behind him and tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie, hoping to get his attention. "Jake," I started, "welcome to the rec centre."

Walking up to the doors, I jiggled the handles before taking a pin out of my hair. Most of us kept bobby pins on our person for times when we didn't have any lock picking tools (which was most of the time). After a few moments, I swung open the door and stepped inside, quietly praising myself for breaking in.

Inside, the floor was linoleum, stained with dirt from years and years of people not caring enough to clean it up. The walls were a soft yellow colour, and had faded informative posters pinned to them, some dating back to ten years prior. Broken bottles and cigarette butts were scattered in corners and on tables, and the way the light entered through the dirty and cracked windows made the entire aura of the building seem creepy as hell.

I loved it. Grinning a bit to myself, I grabbed Jake's hand and bolted around the corner, pushing open a door and entering into a small office. Three short filing cabinets lined up part of the left wall, with an old brown couch taking up the rest of the space. A desk and working chair was opposite of them, with an old computer sitting in the centre of it and many papers scattered around it. If you ignored the fact that everything was old and worn-out, it felt as if... the world was normal again.

This was one of my favourite places.

Jake 

I looked down at the paper and up again, double-checking. It seemed to be the right place — if it wasn't, I'd just tell Kinley I'd got lost and hope she didn't realise the real reason. It was selfish — she deserved to know what an idiot I was; it was only fair she did — but I hoped it anyway. 

Something tugged at my hoodie and I startled out of my thoughts. A grin broke out when I saw Kinley. "Hey," I said, relief washing over me. "Ain't you a sight for sore eyes." 

I watched Kinley with impressed amusement as she picked the lock open, stepping back to make sure I didn't obstruct any light. I knew how to pick a lock, but I usually took so long that I ended up getting frustrated and just breaking the whole door down instead. 

Following Kinley into the rec centre, I gazed around. It had a distinctly different air than the rest of her world, but its atmosphere differed from my New York too; I was immediately, as if I were still a kid, struck by a need to explore for hidden nooks and crannies and mystery murders and old treasures that could be hidden in here. 

I laughed to myself and jogged after Kinley, taking the opportunity to twine our fingers together. Only reluctantly did I release her hand to go over and examine the items on the desk. "This your secret hidey-hole?" I asked, carefully running my fingers over the papers. "It's awesome."

Kinley

I made sure to watch Jake as he looked around the area, his face glowing with a curious excitement.  This was one of our restricted areas — places where groups could gather were always restricted to the public — but it didn't matter anyways.  A person could easily get in by just picking the lock, and it wasn't like it had booby traps awaiting the curious person who did so.

Giving a nod, I flopped down onto the couch and stretched out.  "'Feel different, huh?"  I said, allowing my eyes to shut.  "You're lucky stuff's been stressful, 'else you'd've never laid eyes on this place."  I stretched my arms out in front of me and cracked my knuckles before letting them ragdoll back down over me,

The papers on the desk were somewhat faded from old age, but were still readable.  Although, it wasn't like they had any useful information on them anyways; I once found a page on how to make pasta from scratch.  Where in the world was I gonna need that?

Opening my eyes again, I scrunched myself up on the couch to give Jake enough space to sit down by my feet, nodding at the open spot for him.  "So, how d'you like my world so far, hmm, Jake?"  I asked somewhat mischievously, a smirk teasing its way across my lips.

Jake 

I picked up a sheaf of papers, then settled myself down on the couch at Kinley's feet. I didn't plan on reading them for obvious reasons, but having something to fidget with this was soothing; with my hands occupied, I could think clearer. Usually it was my hoodie's zipper or drawstrings that I fiddled with, but I often worried if my constant restlessness was annoying. I wouldn't blame someone if they thought it was — but I knew from experience that ignoring it or tamping the urge to always keep moving just made it worse, so quiet foot-tapping and shifting my weight around constantly was the lesser of two evils. 

At least these papers were relevant. 

Brushing my fingertips over the words, imagining I could feel the differences between where there was ink and where there wasn't, I gave Kinley a grin. "Ain't half bad. I like the people most." 

I hesitated a moment and pretended to busy myself with reading something. "I'll let you in on a secret, though," I added. "I got my favourites of 'em as well." My hand strayed to find Kinley's as a jumping, fluttery sensation rose in my chest. My usual ease with affection seemed to have abandoned me; it wasn't that this felt wrong, however, but... different in a way I couldn't place. Significant. There seemed to be too much riding on this simple action of taking my best friend's hand in her little bubble away from the rest of the world with a bunch of unread papers in my lap. 

I wondered how many memories that I couldn't read were pressed onto those pages. I wondered if my heartbeat sounded as loud to Kinley as it did to me. I wondered why this moment felt so strikingly present compared to any ones before.

I wondered if Kinley knew how beautiful she was in her realness.

Kinley

I allowed my eyes to flutter shut again as Jake sat down at my feet. With one of my senses gone, I used my others to create a mental image of what was going on around me; I became hyper-aware of the squishy lumps underneath me, the shifting weight of the cushions as Jake sat, the sound of him fidgeting with the papers, the sound of him speaking...

And then everything slowed down to an almost complete stop as Jake's hand enveloped mine. My breath caught in my throat, and I clenched my jaw. Swiftly, I pushed myself up into a sitting position and stared at the boy in front of me, eyes wide with panic. He liked me.

"Jake," I started, "what the fuck are you doing?" I hopped to my feet and bit down hard on my lip, pacing the length of the couch beside me. "Don't you fucking dare, Jake. Don't you fucking dare. I swear to God."

He liked me. It was almost obvious now, that he liked me. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he touched me... I shook my head, dismissing the thoughts. I had to keep being a slut with him — I had to. I had to make him think of me as nothing but a sex toy, even if that meant ruining my friendship with him. He was one of my best friends, but if he was going to develop emotions for me, I was willing to throw that away.

Christ, was that selfish. I couldn't do that to him. But I had to, if I wanted to keep from scaring myself and breaking his heart. I couldn't be in a relationship; I didn't love people. Love always meant something bad was going to happen, and too many bad things had already happened, and nobody deserved to deal with my bullshit.

I was terrified. He couldn't love me. I wouldn't allow it.

Jake

I drew my hand back sharply at Kinley's reaction, accidentally knocking the papers out my lap. I ducked my head, cursing internally, and moved to pick them up — but stopped myself. If I wanted Kinley to believe me, I'd have to look at her and just hope whatever expression was on my face didn't make things worse. 

"I didn't mean it like that, Kinley, Jesus!" I said quickly. It wasn't a lie, not wholly. I hadn't known what I'd meant, full stop, but the blanks filled in themselves now without my help. Friends liked each other. Kinley and I were friends. That was it. "I just — you're my best friend, of course you're gonna be my favourite person here. I'm not gonna frigging... fall in love with you after sleeping together once while high and, like, three kisses while sober. Just 'cause I ain't smart don't mean my thinking's all done with my dick." 

Taking a deep breath, I gathered up the papers and set them aside, then lifted my hands, pacifying, and studied Kinley. "It's all right, Kin," I continued, quieter now. "It's all right. I'm not gonna do anything you're not okay with, yeah? With sex, with everything else too. I'm not gonna — I mean, I don't—" 

Catching myself, I broke off. I don't — what? I don't want to lose you. 

That would do a fantastic job convincing Kinley of the exact opposite of what I was trying to promise her.

The words hung heavily in the air for a few moments before I finished, "I'm not gonna fall in love with you, Kin. Friends with benefits. That's all there is to it."

Kinley

"You don't what, Jake?"  I snapped at him, pausing in my pacing to take a good look at him and study the expression on his face.  "Fuck, I can't — you don't get it!  You can't do romance-y things with me!  That's not what this agreement includes!"  I huffed and hoisted myself up to sit on the desk, hugging my knees to my chest and watching Jake closely.

"Just friends, Jake.  I swear to God, if you break that..."  I shook my head, resting my forehead on my knees as I took a steadying breath.  I knew what I was going to say next, but something inside of me knew that I had to calm down before I said it.  I would make things worse; I always made things worse.

After a few moments of silence, the tension in the room eventually faltering, I spoke up again.  "I don't love people, Jake.  I'll break your fucking heart."  I exhaled slowly, calming myself down further, and unfurled myself from the ball I was sitting in.  It was time to get to work.

I watched him for a few moments, avoiding his eyes as I traced the outline of his body from his head to his toe.  Pursing my lips, I slowly hopped off of the desk and walked over to him until our legs were touching.  Bending over just a bit, I leaned in close enough that he was beginning to become blurry in my vision.  Reaching over and taking his hands in mine, I laced our fingers, and moved my face even closer.  Our lips were barely touching as I breathed out: "And nobody breaks my heart."

Jake 

I stared at Kinley for a couple moments, then dropped my eyes. "I don't wanna ruin our friendship, s'all I was gonna say," I managed lamely, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck. I tugged my hood up. I was such an idiot. Of course taking Kinley's goddamned hand would have been off-limits. It was an impulsive move, but this wasn't supposed to be a situation in which I was impulsive. This was about making Kinley happy, and I was doing a fine piss-poor job of it not even twenty-four hours in. 

My teeth dug into my lip as I listened to Kinley, shame breathing down my neck. I felt a bead of blood well up as the skin tore. I was such a fuck up, acting like a damn kicked puppy when I had messed up. It was glaringly obvious; this was long overdue, Kinley's realisation that I wasn't good enough. She deserved to know, deserved the opportunity to find someone better — someone who wasn't stupid or worthless or broken like I was. Someone who could keep their promises and do what they were told. 

But a small, selfish part of me in the back of my mind quietly thought, Not yet. You can fix this for just a bit longer. 

I looked at where Kinley and my legs touched. Tasting the drip of blood slide into my mouth, I tore my gaze up to her face. I didn't deserve to be her friend. I didn't deserve something good like her. I didn't—

My eyes shut as I felt Kinley's words ghost over my mouth. "That last part seemed kinda unnecessary," I whispered back after a few moments, rising to the challenge to prove myself as something more than a kid who couldn't control his own emotions, and hating myself for being so selfish. "Seems obvious that no one breaks your heart if you don't love people. Good thing no one's falling in love, then, 'cause this math's unnecessary."

Kinley

I nodded approvingly. "So you understand. No love." Very carefully, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips and lingered there for a moment. My heart rate sped up with the recently discovered, electrical sensation of our lips touching, and I squeezed his hands reflexively. "Just sex," I purred out.

I slowly pulled myself onto his lap, settling down, my legs straddling his. I allowed myself to relax with the feeling of the warmth radiating from his body and the soothing rise and fall of his chest. My heart once again sped up, and I took a, hopefully subtle, deep breath. Releasing one of his hands and tightening my grip on his other, I moved my now-free hand up his chest, over his shoulder, and to the side of his neck, where I then traced random patterns on his skin with my fingertips.

"Do you want to?" I breathed out. I trailed my lips from the corner of his mouth, all the way down his neck and to his collarbone, planting slow and soft kisses on his warm skin as I did so. "I know how much you like me in your lap, Jake." A smirk played on my lips. Now I was just being a tease.

Dropping my hand from the side of his neck, I gently ran my fingernails down his chest and tugged lightly on the waist of his jeans, making sure that my lips were teasingly brushing his neck. I wanted to make this boy squirm and forget that he ever had feelings for me. I wanted to make this boy think of me as nothing more than a toy.

My mother would not have been proud of me at that moment, I knew, but there were other things I had done that she wouldn't've been proud about — this was hardly a big deal. I was protecting myself and others around me.

Jake 

My attempts to challenge Kinley fell short in only a few moments at the feeling of her lips on my mouth, my neck, my collar. My eyes shut and I drew in a breath, a hot sensation tingling throughout my entire body, and let it go shakily. I felt barely short of overstimulation after last night, still residually hyperaware of every touch; it was very possible that doing anything with Kinley sober would quite literally kill me. 

I let out a quiet sound despite myself at Kinley's words, my hips reflexively bucking a bit in response to the tug on my waistband. I slipped my hand beneath her shirt, palm splayed over the small of her back to gently try press her closer to myself. 

Pressing my face briefly into the crook of Kinley's neck and leaving a few soft kisses on the skin beneath my lips, I remained silent. I tried to catalogue everything I could about her in that moment: her smell, her warmth, her accent, storing them all away because I didn't want to forget this. 

I had to consciously push down the urge to keep from saying anything that could scare Kinley away, so instead I repeated it all in my head over and over again. You're beautiful, Kinley. You're absolutely incredible. I love y—

The thought broke off, but I still pulled back sharply to stare at Kinley with wide eyes as I tried to figure out what had happened. I wasn't in love with her. She was my best friend, but I definitely wasn't in love with her. That must have just been the result of conditioning, a giddy, heat of the moment response to only ever having slept with people I was in love with before. 

Heart thudding in my chest from the jolt, I dropped my gaze to where I could feel my fingers just curling around her hip. I tightened my grip some and dragged my other hand up to tangle in her hair. No emotions, just sex. Quietly, but more breathlessly than I would have liked, I told her: "Kiss me. Now."