THE THIRD STANDARDISED OCCURRENCE OF VIOLENCE PREREQUISITE TO ROMAN ANTZ (Jacky+Invisimort)

T.Mor:

She'd be out there. She'd be out there. ...She'd be out there. Uhm.

I kind of felt nauseous again...but there wasn't anything to throw up...

She'd be out there.

Part of me wanted to go out there and curl up on her shoulder and...and yeah... And then the other half of me was..well... Standing up even seemed like something that would take so much work that by the time it actually happened... I would have fallen back down...from the sheer... like...work of it...or...something.

I... I didn't know... I wasn't making much sense at the moment, honestly...

And my sleeve was getting all wet because I kept trying to not be crying...but it didn't work... and... I didn't know what to do...

I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about any of it. No no no. Not at all. but... it was all right there...like...like a bad dream... like...sleep. This was like sleeping only you couldn't wake up. Ever.

Expletives.

Maybe if I hit my head against the wall hard enough... I'd black out and forget about it all. ...Forever. And then... and then Id' wake back up and we could...go... Pretend that never happened and... and... life would be good in some little burn out...and... I wouldn't remember anything but Bells... and yeah.

That... That sounded like a really good plan...

And then I threw my head against the wall.

Nothing... Nothing. ...It wasn't... it wasn't... it didn't... again. Just... repeat until something happened.

Bells

There was a thump. More like a bang.

I tried to tune it out.

. . . and then it happened again.

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping it would just go away, or that it was only some other person hurting themselves, not T.Mor . . . but . . .

". . . T.Mor!" I called, slipping off the bed and stumbling to the door again.

T.Mor:

The thing about throwing your head against a wall over and over again... It doesn't really make it any easier to stop crying. ...So...like the fourth time I did it, I left my head against the wall for a minute... and let myself try to wipe away all the water from my eyes. ...stupid thing to think about doing... because... I mean... I was going to black out anyway...and then it wouldn't matter... but... yeah.

And...if.. If I hadn't taken that moment... ...I wouldn't have heard her, I don't think. ...I ... I didn't want her to worry... I was fixing things. ...This.. this way would be better. ... A lot better.

"... ...I'm... fixing it... It's...ok..." I tried to call through the door. I sounded... five. ...It would be ok... I could fix it... This... this would fix it... probably... I hoped...

And then I threw my head against the wall some more.

Bells

"T.Mor!" I bit my lip, hand gripping the handle. Damn the right to be alone. He needed me.

I pushed the door open and bolted to his side, pulling him by the shoulders away from the wall. "Don't! Stop, T.Mor, just s-stop..."

T.Mor:

She was pulling on my shoulders. ...telling me to stop.

Couldn't she see...I was fixing it. I was going to fix it and it would be ok. "...No... No...I'm... I'm fixing it... you'll see...It... ...It'll be... ...better..." I heard my own voice crack as I talked... and my hands came up to try and do something... I didn't really understand what... maybe to get me back to throwing my head against the wall... That was probably it.

And... and my eyes were all blurry and I had a bit of a headache...and... "...It'll be better..." I continued.

Bells

I shook my head, trying to keep him away. "No, it won't! Not this way! You're 'urting yourself, T.Mor, stop it!"

T.Mor:

She told me to stop. ...some more. ...I was not really...sure...what to do. I mean... I didn't want to make her upset... but... at the same time... This would make it better... It wouldn't... hurt. I mean, ok... it would hurt...because I was hitting my head on the wall... but... in the long run... it would actually... help. Because then I wouldn't remember and then everything would be ok again... and everything could be normal.

"...but...I...I don't...want to...to ...remember...anymore." I mumbled, pulling again back against her... it didn't really work... I was too... like...remember when I was talking about how hard it was to even think about...about standing? ...like... like that.

Bells

"T.Mor..." I kept him there, desperately trying to think of what to do. I couldn't let him just hurt himself like that. I couldn't force him to remember. I couldn't do anything . . . I bit my lip. "Stop, just stop! It'll be a'right! I'll make it a'right, and you won't 'ave t' bang your 'ead against th' walls anymore, and you can be 'appy . . . I can try t' make you 'appy . . . just don't do . . . that . . ."

T.Mor:

She... she was...promising to make it better. I... I didn't...know... how she...planned to... to do that...

I couldn't actually go backwards to throw myself against the wall anymore. She was keeping me away from it with too much force. I... I just...

Another sob somehow got out. ...I didn't want that happening.

...Instead of trying to go backwards again this time I just went forward... not as much force... I... I just...clung. To...her. ...I considered apologising for getting her all wet from my face... but... ...my mouth wasn't exactly working since I was trying to be quiet...

Bells

I let him cling to me, and wrapped my arms around him. "Sh, it's a'right," I murmered, wishing it actually were. I just didn't know what to do. What does one do? You've got someone crying in your arms after they lost their home and what was left of their family. What do you do?

T.Mor:

I tried to get myself a bit under control. ...unfortunately that just...kind of involved... shaking more...and... and... accidentally making more noise... and... it was bad...and...

She was warm. ...which was...nice. ...like... Last...last time... A...Ana... wasn't warm... because...she was little...and...and skinny... and... she wriggled a lot... because... because she was little... so... hugging her... didn't work really...

...Internet...Ana... oh...

That... that didn't...help...any...

Bells

I just kept holding him. He was bony and shaking in my arms. "Don't worry . . ."

I didn't know what to say.

T.Mor:

...Don't worry... right.

Right. ...Uhm.

I... I didn't even.

My shoulders heaved again. ...Internet...

Bells

After a moment, I had a feeling that we would either spend hours sobbing on the bathroom floor, or we would spend hours sobbing on a slightly-more-cozy bed. And if not sleep, at least have a place to lie down and think, or, not think.

After another moment I carefully stood, attempting to bring him with me. "C'mon...let's at least lie down." And led him to the bed.

T.Mor:

She started moving. ...upward. Standing. ...standing...up.

And...I kind of ended up... going with her... upwards.

Walking was...really... weird. ...like... my legs kept on threatening to stop working. And I was shaking and it wasn't.... it wasn't good... and...

And then... we were on the bed. I curled up against her immediately... only vaguely registering that I hadn't even taken my boots off.

More tears happened... as though they had lives of their own or something... and those lives did not involve being inside my face.

Bells

I wished I could help him. I honestly could. I kept saying I would . . . but . . .

I didn't know how.

So I just let him cry into me, and wrapped a hesitant arm around his thin shoulders. And stayed there.

T.Mor:

I felt Bells wrap her arm around me... which...felt...safe. ...Safer. ...Less bad.

My head was kind of still hurting from me...er... banging it...into the wall... And we were lying down... and... and it was... I mean...technically...

I've been awake for two or three days now. Which... could have been ok... maybe. ...ish. If... If I wasn't like... sort of in pain and sort of ...really...really... like... uhm. I mean... there gets to be a point where...where... you just... cry so much...and... and bang your head against things so hard... and...happen to be kind of warm from...from warmth... A point... a point where... like... not even 6 cups of coffee with that... that....er...5150 stuff in it would keep you...like... away from sleep.

I didn't want to be asleep...and...and I mean... I hate it when...when I can actually sit there...and...and feel myself drifting. ...drifting to sleep... with my head against her shoulder... and there was nothing I could do. ...I mean... I... I couldn't...like... stop the tears long enough...to...to manage to...to tell her...'I'm...passing out... help...' ...But...it was happening... and I was painfully aware of...of that point where you kind of go to sleep for a minute... and then shake yourself awake... ...that sort of lacking out...but...catching yourself in time... in time to... to feel your muscles relax and then tense back up.

And... and every time that happened... every time... that I could feel that happening... ... there was less... control. Control of...of it. It was just... some kind of... bad thing... like... Sleep was just... tying me up and nailing me to a wall... ...and... there was...nothing I could do... except sit there... lie there... and... and watch myself...

...I... i don't even...like... know...if... if any of that made sense...

Eventually the really bad... impossible to avoid thing happened... and... and no matter how much I'd been trying to keep myself from drifting... ...I couldn't get myself to force my eyes back open, even a little. I couldn't make myself do those tiny things that would keep me awake... no muscle tensing... I wasn't even really crying a whole lot anymore...

Bells

I felt him keep drifting as he curled up against me, then jerk awake, then drift . . . and my eyes kept dropping closed like they had weights on them. It was good to be in a bed. I didn't care that it was a stranger motel bed. And it was good to have someone beside me, not for anything but sleeping against. Even if that someone was freshly struck by tragedy. Even if he wasn't all that warm or cozy to sleep against.

He jerked again, startling me out of that half-awake-ness that felt like gravity chaining me to the mattress, but only for a moment. Something in the back of my mind reminded me that T.Mor didn't like to sleep. The thought was fleeting, and soon I felt unable to move again, unable to even open my eyes. T.Mor didn't wake me up again, either.

T.Mor:

...My dreams were on fire.

Nothing really was...like... making a whole lot of... sense... I mean... I was like... watching fifty different things... only not...only... they were all the same thing. The same event.

Only... I was outside...watching alone... and...and... everyone... everyone was in there... burning. At once. ...I could hear them.

And then I was inside, and that piece of roof fell again... and... only... then I was stuck... but that didn't really matter... because I didn't really deserve to live... but... but then that meant... I couldn't fix this. I... everyone... would...

And I was eight again only not really but kind of and there was still some fire on the bed and I had left Ana downstairs and... and... And... extinguishing parents... is... was...

Then I was suddenly upstairs in the new wreckage again. ... holding the same fire extinguisher... outside Ana's room.... and... and... it was going to be the same... only the whole place was still coming down... like... around me... and... and it was so hot... and... I couldn't breathe... and...

And I didn't even know what was going on.... and... and... there was something heavy on my shoulder... and I couldn't get it off... and It was keeping me from moving and... but I had to move...or... or bad things... and... and it was bad and I didn't understand... and ...

I heard myself make a noise... I think... or.. or it was just screaming from the house... ... oh. Internet...

Bells

I jolted awake, my heart beating about a million times faster than it ever should. There had been a scream in my ear. Not a very pleasant way to wake up.

Wait a moment . . . where was I, again?

It took a couple moments to remember that I wasn't in Luna, and I wasn't in T.Mor's house, and that T.Mor's house had . . . aye . . .

It took me a couple more seconds to gather that the scream had come from T.Mor beside me. "...T.mor?" I looked shakily at his silhouette in the dark, and hesitantly reached to touch his shoulder, to . . . I don't know. Make sure that it was really him, not my imagination. Perhaps this was all just a bad dream, and I would wake up and no houses had burned down and no one had died and . . . perhaps I would wake up before anything too terrifying happened in the dream. It all felt rather real, though. And I touched T.Mor's bony shoulder. He was real.

T.Mor:

Someone said my name... ...I think.

I... Couldn't really... tell... It... I... er...

Something touched my shoulder again, and I really didn't want to get stuck under some.... like... bad...firey.... thing and stuck and on fire... So... so i pushed it away with my other hand.. and ...and then I was falling... and I hit a floor... and I didn't understand what was happening... Maybe... maybe I'd fallen through the floorboards...

In which case... I was screwed... A lot.

I curled up where I was... unsure of... like...how to...well, what to... I mean... There was not really any way I was getting out of there now... Because... I mean... this wasn't the kitchen... and so.... no door. ... no way out...

I heard another noise happen... and... I couldn't tell if it was me...or...or everyone... only...it wasn't screaming...so... maybe... maybe it was me... because... fire was... too loud... for... to hear... that much... over...

... I... didn't... want to be on fire... very much...

Bells

Something swatted my hand away, and then . . . he simply rolled right off the bed. Was he still asleep? Sleepwalking? Aren't you supposed to not wake up sleepwalking people?

"...T.Mor?" I crawled across the bed, swept my legs over the side, and hesitated a moment before reaching for his shoulder again. I shook it gently. "Snap out of it...it's a'right..."

T.Mor:

Alright.... someone was definitely talking... to me...

I uncurled myself just enough to kind of...look around. ...Bells. Bells was here. ...Bells was...here. That... that was... not good.

It... it was one thing if I was on fire... but... another thing if Bells was on fire. "You... ... you can't..stay here... I... I ... you'll... it's... I don't... no... burning... outside..." I tried to explain.

...Explaining was hard when...when fire. ...But... she had to understand... how... how it was... bad... how... how she couldn't... stay... I didn't want her... to be... on fire... too... I mean...

The world I was seeing...didn't...really make a whole lot of... sense... I mean... it wasn't... but... I... I didn't understand...

Bells

"Snap out of it, for th' sake o' 'ell!" I shook his shoulder just a little harder. "It's a'right, T.Mor, just wake up..."

T.Mor:

I heard her talking at me... telling me to...'snap out of it' what was going on...? Was I... Was this...? but it felt so...real...

...This.. this wasn't my house. ...not..not really.

You could sort of tell... I mean... it was all weird... like... how I was seeing... and reality... didn't... But... it was still... and...

"... ... ...where... where are...we...?" asked hesitantly.... I was... scared... I think... of.. of... lots of things...of... of what was real... and...what wasn't...and... I don't know... I was really confused...